I head out on the road again tomorrow. 10 days together after 90 days apart. Now I’m off again. T and I have had two good dates in that time (went to dinner and the movies last night), and one dumb argument. Mixed emotions this morning. I’m up early having coffee, and roaming around my own head (as usual).
I read daily about the hobby and escorting. More blogs and less forums now. The result is thinking about feelings on both sides of escorting, and less about who had what review. I never expected this.
Intimacy. Good topic lately. 10 months of learning the escorting ropes as a client. I am finally back to having good sex on a regular basis with people I like. I didn’t realize how much I missed this piece of my life over the past 10 years. No guilt at all. Its just another side of me. I’m a sexual person. I enjoy it. It fills a need for me. Live with it. Acceptance.
The relationship struggles of some of the women I’ve come to know compels me. Loneliness. Isolation. Companionship. Intimacy. Reading about it, and also discussing it in person with some of them.
Relationships are hard work, and can be terrifying. Now that I’m having the sex I crave, I see sex wasn’t the only thing missing from my relationship with T. Intimacy is the next bucket to fill. A much bigger bucket (and scarier). I noticed it this week. I reached out to T several times and she did not respond in kind. This is not new. We’ve fought about this many times. She checks out. Lost in either her work or her passion for animal sanctuaries.
What’s new is my perspective. Previously, I assumed it was part of our sex life. Now I know that is not true. Sex and intimacy are two completely different compartments. They can be related, but don’t confuse timing with causation. In either direction.
The cynical side of me digs in. She is giving me this freedom in order to keep me around. She’s being practical. Finding a new compatible partner that carries a job while her consulting work waxes and wanes would be very difficult. The positive half wars back. Love. Commitment. Trust. Partnership. Friendship. Intimacy would be the proof of this. When it is absent, I doubt.
I’ll only be gone two weeks this time. Domestic trip. Back to Detroit. Normally, I fly home on the weekends when I’m in the country. However, this time I booked two full weeks with the express intent of flying over to Chicago to spend the weekend with Charlotte. Why? Intimacy. Another escort crush. Secret side trip. I’ve never done this before.
Charlotte is a professional, I’m a client, yada yada yada. I like her. More than I should. Whether or not the intimacy with her is real or perceived. It fills that bucket. My intimacy bucket did not get filled while I was home this past week.
I’m excited. We’re going hiking. Charlotte says she can never find anyone to go hiking with her. Seems like it should be fun for both of us. Hopefully that’s true, and I’m not dragging her out in the woods on a hike she will secretly dread.
Hiking is something T and I used to do together. Now T never wants to hike. It’s too hot. She’s tired from working outside all week at the volunteer job, etc. Two years ago, T took 90 days off to hike a stretch of the AT with a girlfriend of hers. I didn’t go. Rent to pay. Can’t take that kind of time off from a corporate job. Thru hiking is a life dream for me. Now that she’s ‘done it’, she’s ‘over it’ and doesn’t want to thru hike again. I’ll need to book my own trip, but have to wait until T gets a good gig for consulting, so she can pay bills while I’m gone. I can take a leave of absence from work, but unpaid. T’s not even really looking for gigs right now. She’s consumed with one of the sanctuaries. Working 15 hour days for free. Again.
Dark side. Let it go.
Love. Commitment. Trust. Partnership.
You see the full circle here. Now, I’ve booked a secret trip with an escort crush to spend time together that’s not ‘all about sex’. Definitely a tangent from where this all started.
Fortunately, escorting is expensive. Which will limit my excursions down this path.
She’s getting up. Wish me luck today.