I’m up early in the hotel in Detroit.
Had a good night’s sleep. My first waking thought: Charlotte. This past weekend revealed feelings about my relationship with T that I have been avoiding.
Charlotte and I had fun, but there was more to it than that. Little things. Gestures.
We were at Starbucks one morning, waiting for our coffee. Her drink came up. She went to get it. Returned to our waiting spot. My drink came up. She puts her hand on my arm “I’ll get it”, and brings it to me. Silly, but that touched me somehow. Three days later and I remember the moment. Those gestures never happen in my marriage anymore. I can’t remember if they ever happened. They must have. Right?
The whole weekend was like that. We fell into an exchange of give and take. Mutual. Gestures and moments that happened easily.
Funny. My sex blog is turning out to be more about relationships. Ha. Go figure. I spend 10 years hardly having any sex at all. Binge through 10 months of having more sex each week than I used to have each year. Now I’m blogging about feelings. Jesusfuckingchrist.
Now I am sitting here at 5 am trying to clear my thoughts in this post without being dark and broody. Apologies for rambling. I am stalling. Afraid to even write about it in my anonymous blog that no one reads.
The big issue is slowly revealing itself to me. Like the Dali Lincoln. I just had to step far enough back to see it.
Big pieces are missing from my marriage. The gestures are the indicator.
I have been in denial. So caught up with the portrayal of the good marriage and good husband, that I whitewashed my own feelings.
I give without equal return. There is always one more issue to get through. One more hurdle to get past. THEN we can get back to normal. Normal never comes. Instead, another issue. Another hurdle. Her hurdles we conquer together. My hurdles, I conquer alone.
She is not looking for a job. She doesn’t take care of her health. She doesn’t exercise. She eats like a 5 year old, but is depressed about her weight. Won’t kiss me. Won’t look me in the eye.
I have never been without a job. I eat right. Exercise. Lost 50 pounds. I edge closer to her in the bed. She complains I am hogging it.
We’ve talked and talked about this stuff. Fought. Argued.
She loves her work at the sanctuary. It doesn’t pay. I’m happy to live on less. She is constantly worried about money.
Her car = new. My car = 10 years old with 120k miles.
Rationalizing: “this is marriage”
Reality: “relationships need to flow both ways”
I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I want to move on.
I’ll be home in two days. This will be a difficult weekend.