The Pass is Not Enough

on

No escorting this week, and I’ve not really missed it.  I considered reaching out to Scarlett, but her schedule says she is out of town. Not interested in anyone else in Detroit right now. I am headed back home today.

I sent a note to Summer to get on her calendar for the middle of next week.

Just as well.  I need to have a very serious conversation with T this weekend. Best to leave the escorts alone for a bit.

I see clearly now what I want to do. Rehearsing what I want to say. How I want to say it.

Realistically this conversation has very little chance of occurring how I want it to.  Best laid plans and such.  LOL.  The only thing to be certain is that it will probably go off the rails after the first few minutes.

I know what I want.

Intimacy. Companionship. Time. Support. Bidirectional.

We’ve had this talk/fight before.  It never turns out well.  We’ve both been guilty of ‘checking out’ of the relationship at different times in past years.  No telling who checked out first.

The ‘sex is the issue’ rationalization is off the table now.

In my rehearsal, I am confident. Not angry or judgmental. We focus on the relationship. I don’t pick a fight.

Wish me luck.

In the past I was very angry about these topics. I used to rage in my head for hours about it.  Pick fights when she got home.

I am not angry any more.  Mad. Bad. Sad.

I plan have this talk tomorrow morning, then drive down alone to stay with my family for the weekend.  Give her a couple of days to digest. I’ll return to the house Monday afternoon to discuss what we will do next.

No one knows.  I am not going to share this with anyone until T and I have talked.

Somehow, I don’t think she will be surprised.  I am afraid this will hurt her. However, I could be thinking too much of myself.  Maybe she’ll be relieved. Maybe she has a ton of bricks on her mind about this also, and just doesn’t want to be the bad guy.

The pass was a fun idea to start with. I thought it was practical and free thinking.  However it has forced me to see our relationship in a new light. Illustrated the gaps and faults. Revealed feelings I’ve denied.

I thought sex was the source of my frustration and impatience. Not true.

The real issue is that I am not getting what I want emotionally from the relationship. Sex has been removed from the equation.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s