Unable to see Summer today as planned. She had to cancel. We’ll reschedule next week. Other than Layla on Sunday, this has not been my week for escorting. Just as well. I need to focus on the issues at hand anyhow.
I can see T is at a loss of what to do. She’s trying, but we can’t seem to make the connection.
I want to convince her to see my point logically that the relationship is over. Which is foolish.
She wants to convince me to work on the relationship, and not give up. Which is noble, but also foolish.
When T and I disagree, my natural tendency is to attempt to sway her to my point of view, and if she does not sway, give in to hers. This approach will not work in this situation. It is probably what got us here in the first place.
When I consider going forward alone, I feel relieved. Happy.
When I consider staying and working it out, I feel the situation is futile. My guts knot up. I have zero confidence that things will turn around, although initially she will try.
She will give up what she loves to pay attention to me. However, as time moves forward, she will chafe at giving up her passion. I’ve waited 10 years for her to find some middle ground. Work at what you love, but come home at the end of the day. Evenings, weekends, vacations have all been sacrificed for years. Moments lost.
We spent some time together this week, but it was mostly awkward. I am swamped with work. She is getting ready to cover for the sanctuary manager’s vacation next week.
Tomorrow (Saturday) she is driving up to a different sanctuary to volunteer for the day building cages. I was supposed to go, but begged off. I’m staying home.
I do not want her to give up the sanctuary work. She loves it, and is good at it. It is good noble work that she is proud of. I am proud of her for it.
In order to move this divorce forward, I will need to end it. Leave. Give her no option.
This is painful, and I feel guilty about it, but I have made my decision.
I had coffee with a lawyer acquaintance today to discuss the divorce informally and seek some advice. Since we have no children and our financial situation is not complicated, the process is very straightforward. We need to come to agreement, file paperwork and get in front of a judge. That is it.
In the interim, I need to leave the house, and really separate from her.