Our anniversary was mostly uneventful except for a very enlightening conversation that now has me thinking.
We spent the day together in the house doing mundane stuff….laundry, watching TV, etc.
It was late afternoon, we sat in our living room and talked… More honestly than we have ever really talked before. Without a ton of emotion. It was heartfelt, but never broke into an argument or sobbing. Therefore constructive.
I think each time we tried to have this conversation before (over the past 10 years), it got too close for one or both of us, and broke into either a fight or a crying match.
We have each been angry with the other for checking out at different times. We can both be very driven people. Work, hobbies, etc. It is what attracted us to one another in the beginning. However, we can also both be very insecure. Our conversation revealed that we have each felt alternately angry and rejected by the other. Over and over again for many years.
I have an arrogant jack ass side of myself that I do not like. However, I have found many women who are attracted to it…T included. That was the first hook when we met. We connected right in front of her boyfriend and his closest friends…. Right under their noses. She was totally turned on by it. She fucked me daily for months after that.
The moment I shelve that persona, which I consider my professional self (because it pays well to be an asshole too), whomever I am involved with runs in fear of the clingy nice guy that remains. This has happened to me dozens of time in my life. I bag women as an asshole, and the moment I start behaving nicely, they run like hell. I try to win women by being the good guy in the first place, and end up in friend zone 101.
What is it with all of you women who love shit guys?
I really don’t get it. If I start fucking all your friends, you are obsessed with me. However, the moment I start bringing flowers and want to cuddle on the couch, you can’t dump me fast enough.
Anyhow, T and I finally got this out in the open, as well as her own insecurities (which I won’t divulge in detail). I have been feeling like a walking paycheck lately. She has been feeling undesirable and unwanted. Each of us being passive/aggressive about it, which amplified the fears of the other.
I am sitting here in a hotel room a thousand miles from home thinking of her, which hasn’t happened in a long time.
T really does not care with whom I have sex. I believe that. She is more concerned with our connection. She professes to still need that. I admit I miss it as well.
I am excited about the prospect of being single again. I don’t like keeping things secret. Plus I can afford a lot of escort attention for what my married lifestyle costs.
However, I admit I am quite lost without her as an anchor.
I’ll spend the week in Detroit and see how things go. I have an appointment scheduled with Scarlett on Saturday am, which should be stellar. Then I can go home and see what next week brings.