Our marriage has been sexless for more than 10 years. On average, we have sex once or twice a year. It is usually awkward and rushed. This is a complicated issue. A longer post about how we got to this point is here (if you are interested). As of right now, the last time we had actual intercourse was May 2014. She has given me two or three blowjobs since then (which definitely count in my book), and we’ve laid in bed half naked kissing on one other occasion. However, we haven’t really had a good, long romantic sexy time in many, many years. I miss that very much.
We have talked about sex more than once in the past two months throughout the course of our relationship discussions. We’ve both agreed that we are at rock bottom, with nothing to lose, so started to put the issues on the table.
The facts from my side:
- Sex and intimacy are very important to me.
- I am healthy and have a strong sex drive.
- Before this Pass, I had never seriously considered having sex with anyone else. Up Until July 2014, I had not had sex with anyone other than my wife since 1995.
- I am physically attracted to her and still get very aroused around her in many situations.
- I’ve managed my sexual urges for the past 10 years through daily masturbation. I like porn, but am pretty tame. MetArt.com is one of my preferred sites.
- Before I started seeing escorts last year, my confidence in the bedroom had plummeted.
- Over the past year of seeing escorts on a regular basis, my confidence in the bedroom is now at an all-time high. I feel attractive, confident and strong.
The facts from her side:
- Sex and intimacy are very important to her.
- She has a strong sex drive, but has some health issues.
- She had a severe case of endometriosis and finally had a full hysterectomy in 2013 to rectify it. We let it go on so long, because doctors kept telling her she was too young for a hysterectomy. She is in her mid 40’s.
- One of the effects of the endometriosis was pain during intercourse. In the early days, it was not always, but by 2012 the pain was chronic.
- The doctors told us to give it time and the pain would subside. That has not happened. The pain remains. It has lessened somewhat, but not enough that she can have intercourse and enjoy herself.
- She manages her sexual urges through masturbation and some personal toys. She is an avid reader of erotic fiction. She reads a few hours a day. Most of her books are gay male erotic fiction.
- One of her preferred toys is a dildo that sticks on the wall of the shower. I’m confused by this one, because if intercourse causes pain, then how can that be enjoyable? Obviously there are mechanics I will never understand as a man, but she’s been a little vague on that answer.
I could probably go on for pages of bullets like these, but this should give you an idea of the state of our sexual union.
I enjoy having sex with all the escorts I see, but feel I could be perfectly happy in a monogamous sexual relationship with the woman I am currently married to. We have talked this to death, but I feel like I have not been given straight answers around several things in the sex and intimacy department.
She likes to snuggle and cuddle. We have a loving supportive relationship outside of the bedroom. We can laugh and have fun together. But it never goes further than that.
I try to engage her in playful kissing sessions. She is not into it. I spent years thinking I just had bad breath. Now I know that is not true.
She used to love fellatio. Now she says it is physically uncomfortable.
I have tried naked touching and stroking. She enjoys when I give her a nude massage, but is never interested when I try to get naughty with it. She doesn’t get angry, just uncomfortable.
I do not know what to do.
I asked her for a divorce two months ago and she was shocked and upset. She wants to stay married, and has convinced me to spend the summer trying to work out our issues. I am committed to that effort. However, it is mid-July and we have not made any progress on solving our sex differences.
I love her and do not want to throw away a 20 year relationship. However, I now realize exactly how important sex is for me. I have three choices, which are all within my power to choose.
- Get divorced and go back to being single. Start over with someone new.
- Stay married and continue having sex with escorts.
- Stay married, return to masturbating, and stop having sex except for the occasional BJ.
I can tell you, #3 is completely off the table. The other two are tough choices. Right now, I feel that #1 is the right thing to do, but do not want to hurt my wife. She tells me that she loves me and does not want to lose me.
While #2 is a good compromise, I am not certain it is a sustainable long term solution.
Anyhow, if you are still here and reading, thanks for sticking with me on this post. Hope it is not too much of a rant.
Time to go to work. I am planning a session with an escort today. Not sure which one though. I’ll put up a post tomorrow on that one.