Sex and My Marriage

Our marriage has been sexless for more than 10 years. On average, we have sex once or twice a year.  It is usually awkward and rushed. This is a complicated issue. A longer post about how we got to this point is here (if you are interested). As of right now, the last time we had actual intercourse was May 2014.  She has given me two or three blowjobs since then (which definitely count in my book), and we’ve laid in bed half naked kissing on one other occasion. However, we haven’t really had a good, long romantic sexy time in many, many years. I miss that very much.

We have talked about sex more than once in the past two months throughout the course of our relationship discussions.  We’ve both agreed that we are at rock bottom, with nothing to lose, so started to put the issues on the table.

The facts from my side:

  1. Sex and intimacy are very important to me.
  2. I am healthy and have a strong sex drive.
  3. Before this Pass, I had never seriously considered having sex with anyone else. Up Until July 2014, I had not had sex with anyone other than my wife since 1995.
  4. I am physically attracted to her and still get very aroused around her in many situations.
  5. I’ve managed my sexual urges for the past 10 years through daily masturbation. I like porn, but am pretty tame.  MetArt.com is one of my preferred sites.
  6. Before I started seeing escorts last year, my confidence in the bedroom had plummeted.
  7. Over the past year of seeing escorts on a regular basis, my confidence in the bedroom is now at an all-time high. I feel attractive, confident and strong.

The facts from her side:

  1. Sex and intimacy are very important to her.
  2. She has a strong sex drive, but has some health issues.
  3. She had a severe case of endometriosis and finally had a full hysterectomy in 2013 to rectify it. We let it go on so long, because doctors kept telling her she was too young for a hysterectomy. She is in her mid 40’s.
  4. One of the effects of the endometriosis was pain during intercourse. In the early days, it was not always, but by 2012 the pain was chronic.
  5. The doctors told us to give it time and the pain would subside. That has not happened. The pain remains. It has lessened somewhat, but not enough that she can have intercourse and enjoy herself.
  6. She manages her sexual urges through masturbation and some personal toys. She is an avid reader of erotic fiction. She reads a few hours a day.  Most of her books are gay male erotic fiction.
  7. One of her preferred toys is a dildo that sticks on the wall of the shower. I’m confused by this one, because if intercourse causes pain, then how can that be enjoyable?  Obviously there are mechanics I will never understand as a man, but she’s been a little vague on that answer.

I could probably go on for pages of bullets like these, but this should give you an idea of the state of our sexual union.

I enjoy having sex with all the escorts I see, but feel I could be perfectly happy in a monogamous sexual relationship with the woman I am currently married to.  We have talked this to death, but I feel like I have not been given straight answers around several things in the sex and intimacy department.

She likes to snuggle and cuddle.  We have a loving supportive relationship outside of the bedroom. We can laugh and have fun together.  But it never goes further than that.

I try to engage her in playful kissing sessions.  She is not into it.  I spent years thinking I just had bad breath. Now I know that is not true.

She used to love fellatio. Now she says it is physically uncomfortable.

I have tried naked touching and stroking.  She enjoys when I give her a nude massage, but is never interested when I try to get naughty with it.  She doesn’t get angry, just uncomfortable.

I do not know what to do.

I asked her for a divorce two months ago and she was shocked and upset. She wants to stay married, and has convinced me to spend the summer trying to work out our issues.  I am committed to that effort. However, it is mid-July and we have not made any progress on solving our sex differences.

I love her and do not want to throw away a 20 year relationship. However, I now realize exactly how important sex is for me. I have three choices, which are all within my power to choose.

  1. Get divorced and go back to being single. Start over with someone new.
  2. Stay married and continue having sex with escorts.
  3. Stay married, return to masturbating, and stop having sex except for the occasional BJ.

I can tell you, #3 is completely off the table.  The other two are tough choices.  Right now, I feel that #1 is the right thing to do, but do not want to hurt my wife.  She tells me that she loves me and does not want to lose me.

While #2 is a good compromise, I am not certain it is a sustainable long term solution.

Anyhow, if you are still here and reading, thanks for sticking with me on this post. Hope it is not too much of a rant.

Time to go to work. I am planning a session with an escort today. Not sure which one though. I’ll put up a post tomorrow on that one.

13 Comments Add yours

  1. Wahh… I started writing a comment and it disappeared. So your wife doesn’t like being physically intimate with you? Even touching? As I read ur post, one thing came to mind. I do not wish to offend u or upset u by suggesting this. Do u ever think that she cud possibly be seeing someone else? I mean, being physically intimate with someone else?
    I hope u can work this out soon for ur sake! And hers! Years ago, i didnt fuck for about 3 years. Worst time of my life! I was sooo incredibly sexually frustrated! This was before online dating was popular – and way before tinder. I used to dream of going out and picking up a random but i think i was way too shy in those days. Xx

    Like

    1. uehobbyist says:

      I hope that is the case, but highly doubt it. I agree something doesn’t add up here. Thanks for the comment. I am not offended.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. VegasSparkle says:

    I, too, thought about maybe she was seeing someone else. However, I understand your frustration (eve though as a virgin I may have no room to talk).
    But a more important thought came to my mind when reading: Have you thought about seeing a sex therapist? I am acquainted with a very popular one via social media (we tweet all the time and share a love of Starbucks; he won’t know me by this name but knows me by my real one). I couldn’t help but think he may be able to help you guys. Not sure where you are stateside but he is located in Los Angeles (or somewhere in that area).
    I hope things work out for you guys.
    keep us posted!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. uehobbyist says:

      We’ve talked about different kinds of therapy (including sex therapy). It is probably a good idea. I have been the one who has been resistant. I have a lot of experience with personal, family and relationship counseling, and have a jaded view. Granted my experience is 20 years out of date now, so it is probably all in my head (LOL). I recently read a good article about how modern sex therapy has evolved since the 80’s and 90’s. Worth considering. Thanks for the suggestion.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. VegasSparkle says:

        it’s worth a shot! I’ll email you the contact

        Like

      2. uehobbyist says:

        ok. ok. I will open my caveman brain. But only a little.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. In terms on intimacy maybe she is getting it elsewhere because you said the pass went both ways right? Maybe ask her about it? Have you considered maybe she’s sexually attracted to women if she doesn’t want intimacy/sex with you, but still enjoys solo penetration? The thing with her being able to use the toy- I understand where your coming from. Have you talked in depth about the pain she experiences during sex? Because for myself I have periods of pain where during sex it feels like I’m being stabbed in my cervix and right ovary, but with toys it doesn’t hurt because it doesn’t go as high so it was just a case of when it hurt telling him not to go so deep. Maybe talking about the difference in penetration between sex and using toys will help? But obviously it’s more than that it’s the intimacy too which she lacks but doesn’t want to get divorced and loose you, have you told her how you would still be close and be friend’s after the divorce even when you start dating other people? As that can be a concern

    Liked by 1 person

    1. uehobbyist says:

      Firstly, thanks for the comment. This is helpful info. I assumed there were some penetration nuances. However, we haven’t directly discussed it. She is no prude, so I’ll ask. I have considered the possibility she is attracted to women. She experimented with a roommate before we met, but denies that she is into women. I think it may be that she doesn’t want to admit it to me. The remote site she is working at for the next month is all women. She loves it up there. They all live on property and get along well. There may be something to that. We are not religious and are both pro-LGBT, so I don’t understand why she might deny something like that. Her family would be very upset by it though…

      I think you are right on track about the intimacy. My premise is “why can’t we be that couple that grows beyond marriage, but stays life long friends…

      Like

  4. Inara says:

    I’m not trying to be antagonistic, but if you’re committed to really trying at your marriage, shouldn’t you maybe take a hiatus from sleeping with other women? I understand you’ve got a pass, but it seems like you can’t help but compare your experiences with them to your situation at home. It seems like seeing escorts frequently while trying to figure out your marriage out wouldn’t give you an authentic view of what’s going on at home. It would either band-aid things (“Hey, this isn’t so bad. I can pay for it during the day and then hang out with my wife at night and it’s fine…..) or set up an unfair comparison/distraction. The limbo you’re in sounds painful and frustrating and awful. Maybe if you cut out the extra noise and were really, truly in your marriage you’d be able to see more clearly what the best solution is for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. uehobbyist says:

      I can certainly appreciate your take. I’ve spent the last year of seeing escorts regularly. Prior to that I spent 10 years having sex only once or twice a year. This pass idea has brought a few things to the surface for us. Our issues are related to sex, but are also about more than sex. I agree, that I’ve “made up for the lost time” by now and can probably dial it back. That is something to consider.

      Like

  5. drfeelgood says:

    1)make sure an experienced specialist has evaluated her for pelvic adhesions -there are laser procedures that will help 2) Pelvic physical therapy -again with a PT who is experienced with pelvic floor muscle evaluation . Her pain most likely is due to this rather than persistent endometriosis. and 3) Psych. There are probably psych overlays to the physical problems she had through the years .

    I assume you have tried and ruled out anal penetration since vaginal is so painful.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. uehobbyist says:

      Thanks for the considered reply. It has been a long road finding the right doctor and getting straight answers. Finally about 2.5 years ago, we happened on a specialist who was a woman and head of her department. She and my wife finally got on the same page. her endometriosis was very bad. We had let it get way out of control. She said it was one of the worst cases she had seen, coupled with some serious cysts. So on her recommendation, my wife had a full hysterectomy 2 years ago. The surgeon did a nice job, used the new robot. There are definitely psych overlays at play as well though. So much of sex in relationships is about the mental game…for both of us.

      I’ll ask about the adhesions and the floor muscle. Those items have never been brought up. Anal is out for us due to some previous bad experiences she had before we met. Frankly it is not my thing either.

      Like

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