Sexless in Marriage

I met a friend for coffee this morning and he as a little  disconcerted.  His wife caught him masturbating to some naked lady pics.  She read him the riot act.  Told him she was devastated that he would do such a thing. She interpreted it as him cheating on her with the girl in the picture.

I’ll admit I am a rat bastard, but that is a little over the top.  The guy was wracked over it.

He and his wife have been married 21 years. Three teenagers. The oldest is 18 and starting college in a month.  5 years from now they will be empty nesters. They are Catholics.  Not devout, but believe in God and morality. He is a good husband.

I’ve known them for several years now. Although they seem to be good couple, He and I have discussed the sexless marriage problem several times.

His wife gives him hand jobs a few times a year, but he has to earn it. If she feels he is not managing the kids properly or not doing his share of the chores around the house, she withholds it as punishment. Likewise she doles it out as a reward when he does something well.

Obviously there are a lot of things converging here.  Middle age, religion, self-worth, etc.  Each partner has every right to their feelings.  If one spouse is not interested in sex, for whatever reason, that is their right and it should be respected.  Likewise for the other side.  A spouse that does want sex and has sexual urges has every right to them.  Repressing how you feel is always a recipe for trouble in a relationship.

My advice was to confront her in a rational adult conversation about how he feels, and also to openly listen to how she feels.  Probably will take several conversations, fights, tears, etc.  I imagine, like my own marriage, there are some deep issues in there.

I did not recommend my current approach, although I feel for the poor bastard.

10 Comments Add yours

  1. emmagc75 says:

    It totally sucks! Now he can’t use porn? That’s ridiculous.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. uehobbyist says:

    yeah, I was a pretty shocked. She said, he should just put those thoughts out of his mind. CRAZY

    Liked by 1 person

  3. VegasSparkle says:

    Put them out of his mind? HA!! Does she not understand its human nature? It’s actually healthy in a way. Humans need touch for physically, emotionally, as well as mentally needs.
    I feel like she was more embarrassed about walking in on him than anything else. And it’s ridiculous she withholds sex (or HJ’s) as punishment.
    Poor guy 😔

    Liked by 2 people

    1. uehobbyist says:

      yeah, I don’t get it. Obviously more issues under the covers with them. Hopefully they can dialogue.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. VegasSparkle says:

        Me to. Communication is key. It’s suppose to build relationships, not tear them apart.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Walter Mitty says:

    That’s a harsh wife. I feel a little sorry for her, too. She’s unusually repressed and missing out on a lot. I wonder if I might have suggested the hobby to him. Dunno. There’s risk in that, but possibly a path to relief for him.


  5. uehobbyist says:

    As a friend of the family, she is actually pretty cool. She’s a good mom and has a great sense of humor. Everyone has their own view of sex and morality. I am hesitant to tell him to start hobbying, He is actually thinking about counseling.


  6. That is so fucked up to withhold sex as a punishment and only dish it out as a reward! I feel for your friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. R. Patience says:

      That’s my life! It’s about the control.


  7. And still, it is so very wrong


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