The next chapter begins.
Stacy and I have been extremely close since the fall. I care about her. She is important to me. I am concerned that we have differing definitions of love.
For me, love takes years to grow. Involves success and failure. Shared hardship and triumph.
For her it is trust, surrender, caring outside of oneself, and has no time constraint.
Perhaps it is both.
When I met T 20 years ago, she was seeing someone else and I was less than a year divorced. She wanted to move more quickly in the relationship than I. She had this analogy that I kept myself in a boat anchored near the shore. I was hesitant to let her in the boat, and kept her at arms length a long time.
I see this pattern repeating with Stacy. I am wiser now, so can be open about exactly how I feel. Stacy asked what I want once I am free.
I want to be single and to live alone in my house.
I want her to be my girlfriend, and that we spend the night together at either her place or mine one or two nights a week.
I want to be alone in my own place at least one or two nights a week.
I want to continue to explore our physical relationship. Control. Surrender. Abandonment. Acceptance. Trust.
I want to live in the moment and not get onto a railroad track of “where is our relationship going?”
We’ve talked about my hobby here, and what will happen with that. I am not sure I want to give it up. She has not asked me to.
When I am around her, I don’t feel the need to see anyone else. There is probably a lot going on in my psyche around all of that.
Time for work soon. There is a lot more to this train of thought. So will be back later….