Removing the Elephants

Wheels up. Monday morning. Flying back to the Motor City.

I have developed a fondness for Detroit.  The people are dug in. Proud of their city. They are bringing it back from the brink. Detroit vs everybody.  😉

It is not my town, so I can claim none of the street cred legitimately earned by Detroiters. However I can appreciate their spirit.

Part of me is glad to be back on the road. I am glad to be out of the house.  T is moving out on April 1. Until then we are roommates sleeping at opposite ends of the building.

We accomplished a lot towards our divorce this weekend. Settling things once-and-for-all has been elusive.  However, we did our best to get as many of the elephants out of as many of the rooms as possible.

We have both been to see lawyers in the last few weeks.  Heard their spiel.  We understand well the business of billable hours.  IT consultants live and die in that that model too.  We heard some good advice, and also both tried to see through the “pay me more hours to consult with you” BS.  My lawyer told me T is entitled to no alimony at all.  Hers said she is entitled to a boatload for a very long time.  So, T and I sat down to complete our individual financial affidavits together.  Probably the worst case scenario for the attorneys.  We had some hard moments. There were tears, frustration and guilt on both sides.

The first fight was early Saturday morning before my visit with Stacy.  However, I extended an olive branch and invited T to breakfast just moments after a heart wrenching outburst from her.  Surprisingly she responded with gladness and relief.  Over pancakes and eggs, we finally came to terms emotionally. Her fears. My frustration. We inventoried our mutual trust and found that in spite of everything we still trust each other more than anyone else.  It was a strange moment when we came to that epiphany.  Angry, hurt, wounded, lost, afraid…but we still know each other.  BTW, to me that is real love.  I hope everyone finds that in life at some point.

So after a breakfast of acceptance one elephant was evicted.

“No I am not going to hang you out to dry. If your shit goes south, you can still call me and I will always show up. We are just not going to be married any more. Our relationship is evolving.”

Sunday evening, we hammered out the financial agreement. More tears. More olive branches. More guilt. More frustration. Another epiphany.

“I don’t know how to judge what is fair.  The one person I trust to help me make those decisions is who I am negotiating with.”

We went line by line.  Dollar by dollar. Talked about risk and contingencies.  Made sure we can both survive financially. By 9pm, we were in agreement.  You could feel the tension stream out of the house.  Another elephant gone.

T will work on court documents while I am gone this week.  We decided to fire the lawyers, file our own paperwork, and go see a judge together in open court with the agreement we’ve hammered out.


It is the best you can hope for in the end of any relationship. I’m sure there will be more tense occasions in the future.  We’ll take it as it comes.


7 Comments Add yours

  1. TheBloggingSD says:

    I was tense reading this post – but it ended on a great note. I’m glad for you, for both of you.

    You are SPOT on about the true love – I couldn’t have agreed more!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. uehobbyist says:

      Thanks man. It has been tough,but we are both moving forward


  2. Wow!!! That is phenomenal! To have such understanding together is amazing. I wish I have that with my soon to be ex. But he told me he’s going to wring me dry 😬lol. It’s almost laughable. I’m glad you have a good relationship. That’s how it should be…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. uehobbyist says:

      Sorry to hear that. It’s not ALL roses though. We are both frustrated, but in the end decided being bitter solved nothing, We have been through good times and bad together. Now it is time to move on.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Absolutely right. Being bitter just makes things worse. I’m happy you have reached that milestone. It’s a HUGE one during a divorce. Unfortunately, in my case, that will never transpire, unless a big miracle takes place and my soon to be ex, gets amnesia and decides to be nice afterall lol

        Liked by 1 person

  3. emmagc75 says:

    Wow! What an amazing example of how people can be good to one another even through a huge life change. I only wish more people were so evolved. Kudos to u!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. uehobbyist says:

      Thanks Em. We are trying to look forward to the next phase of both of our lives. Not easy, things still hurt on both sides, but we have compassion for one another. 20 years is not worth nothing.


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